Regular readers will have noticed a distinct lack of posts lately and many blogs that I visit have been devoid of my comments. I am not going to apologise for this as my mental state has not been in the best place and hence the reason for complete apathy on my part. This post is not about wargaming at all and to be quite blunt is about my mental health.
Now if you don't understand mental health issues, let me enlighten you a little with some honest statements from my perspective.
You see when you have a brain that short circuits as mine does and will not do what you want it to do, it interferes heavily with any pattern or routine you may have established. Daily life becomes a challenge and any organised thoughts disappear as quick as they come. The mind goes completely blank and I am very forgetful. All of which can be a great source of frustration and the cause of some anger issues for me. That's not an excuse for being how I am it's just what I have to live with on a daily cycle and it gets a lot worse for long periods of time.
When I blip out I have no ability to concentrate at all, my mind is constantly fluxing from one thought to another. The little voices in my head tell me what I should be doing but I am unable to carry act on them, as soon as I do another thought pops along and I drift off to another place or get distracted by nothing in particular. Now of course I am fully medicated for my condition but it only helps to give some stability it's no miracle cure. My sleep patterns are extremely disturbed and I often survive on a couple of hours for days but always struggle to wake when I have slept, My body has no energy as a result. often just laying in bed wide awake but without the desire to do anything in particular. My moods and thoughts can be very dark the trick is not to act on those thoughts, something that having had this illness for a long time I am able to manage more often than not.
Possibly the worst part of living with this is the wild unpredictability. I can not predict what mood I will be in when I wake up the next day, although I am aware that I can be down for months on end, then fly to the moon for a couple of months and then it starts over. However when those events happen, can not be worked out. So I am thankful of a very supportive family and some good friends that understand the way I am. You see I am very blunt and honest ,I say it how I see it, lots of people cant deal with that and many more run for the hills once they work out I am a little tapped in the head. Ok I joke about it but it saddens me to think that people wont talk to me. I was completely unaware that being mentally ill meant I turned into a three headed beast that ate small children and women for breakfast! I mean come on seriously I look fairly normal and those that take the time to talk to me will realise, I am fairly normal if not a little blunt at times so why?
Having said all this I have obligations to carry out, I have my commitments to Martin and Diane for the Warbases Wednesday and I have the lads that I game with on a Thursday. These provide some points to focus the attention but when things are bad its a struggle to maintain just these small commitments.To put that into perspective for you yesterdays Warbases Wednesday has taken weeks to put together as I have had no desire to paint and keeping my attention on a display figure has been next to impossible, so on average I have managed to paint 1 figure a week for the last month. Hardly a stunning output when you compare that to the time of last years winter challenge, when I had an episode of manic brain activity (the opposite end of my illness) and produced hundred of figures in a similar time frame.
Having said all this my brain is starting to respond well to some new medications and I have been able to paint a little this week not a lot but it has to start somewhere and from small acorns grow mighty oaks. So hopefully things will return to some form of normal service shortly. I have also started to read blogs again this past few days as I am able to hold my attention for longer periods a good sign as far as I am concerned.
Now I realise as I stated at the beginning this post has little, in fact nothing to do with wargaming at all, but I have had lots of messages asking how I am. So I thought I would take the chance to explain exactly what is wrong with me. Yes I am sure some of you will be scratching your heads, for others things will now click into place remember the three headed beastie! Above all I am still fighting daily to get a grip and wont stop fighting. I know of many people who have mental health issues and dare not raise the subject for fear of the prejudice of others. I am not afraid of those who are prejudiced, my life is far better without narrow minded friends in it. So if I lose followers or friends from this then so be it.
To all of you who have asked how I am doing, or taken the time to read this post I thank you.